Dilemma

Sometimes I don't understand myself, me myself!!! I hate myself which I want thing to be done by this way or that way. I wish I need care of you, I need love too. But yet the way I treat you is the way you treating me now. I really don't know how, I don't know what I suppose to do. I wish to let go all the pain and dilemma which I face yet I can't really le you go. I feel really sick and I feel really want to cry. I really want to cry